Day 1: It's Saturday Again

8:38pm. It's Saturday...again. It's been 257 days since the COVID-19 shutdown started for me. I haven't lost my sanity, yet, but I'm so close. I'm feeling the strain from seeing these kids all day, every day. Even now, there's a little one on the floor playing with LOL Dolls, while I'm silently screaming for a moment alone.

There's a new court date: 1.15.2021. I'm less than two months away from being 100% done with their father. My heart has known that it's been over for years, but I'm still struggling because... Damn, this is real. I never wanted to be a single parent. Hell, I never saw myself being divorced either. I royally fucked up our marriage, and there is no going back. I don't even want to go back. I just like to wallow in the pain that I've caused on myself. 

Over the last week or so, I've experienced so many emotions. Am I a good parent? Am I fucking up my kids? Will I ever be happy again? I just feel like I've hit rock bottom and getting up is hard as fuck because... This shit fucking hurts. I'm hurting and I have no one I can go to. I'm upset with myself. I'm upset with myself because I always push people away. I'm upset with myself for always pretending that I'm good. I'm upset because it's to the point where no one even bothers to ask me if I'm okay anymore. I also understand that I'm here because of me. I understand that these are the consequences for my actions. And I understand that I have to acknowledge that I've been a shitty person to a lot of people, and there might not be any coming back from that...

I have been fighting all my demons away
So that I could become the best thing you have

Stay Where You Are - Yuna

What is happiness?

My therapist asked me this question about happiness two weeks ago, and I have yet to truly answer.

Truth is... I don't know what happiness is outside of the Merriam-Webster definition. It's not something that I've truly considered. Happiness is something that I've thought about, then immediately said to myself that it's outside of my reach.

  • What is happiness to me?
  • What will I do to change the things in my life?
  • What makes my happiness less important than others?
  • What is my dream?

When I told my therapist that I didn't know how to answer this question, she responded:

You are the one who has so much going for herself, but you don't feel empowered by your position.

Dr. Keshia Keith

And it's so true! I recently told a good friend, that I have been "dumbing" myself down to make others feel comfortable. When I think about my life, I notice a trend of always putting others before myself. I always think about how others will be affected, or how they would feel about me if I said, "Fuck this! I'm going to do something for me!" I have to start putting myself first. It is my nature to encourage others to follow their dreams, but I struggle with following my own. I struggle with opening up and showing the real me. I have so much potential to be great, but I'm choosing to be mediocre. I'm choosing to keep myself down, instead of forcing others to keep up.

With this is mind, I was able to somewhat answer the questions. Here is what I came up with:

What is happiness to me?

Happiness is living! Having breath in my body. Focusing on the good in my life and not the negative. Being positive and giving my all. Not being resentful of those around me, but appreciating their progress and positivity. Celebrating successes. Striving to be the best version of me.

What will I do to change things in my life?

In order to change things in my life, I need to change my way of thinking about life. I have to stop being so negative, and take time to think about my actions. Write more. Set daily affirmations as a remind to find the positive in all things, and think about my feelings.

What makes my happiness less important than others?

In reality, my happiness is not less important than anyone else's. I am in control of my own happiness. It is not something that I should look for in other people, but something that I should find within myself.

If I cannot create my own happiness, then how can I expect others to make me happy?

What is my dream?

My dream is to have a job that I love. To have a home that I love, and a happy and healthy relationship with someone. To have my children grow up to be successful in life. What is your dream?

Why is it so hard to be a Black woman?

It's a dreary Sunday. I'm listening to my "In My Feelings" playlist on repeat. It's a thought that I've had often over the last week. Why is it so hard to be a Black woman? Why do I feel as if I have to work 10 times harder than non-POCs, even though I'm better than them? Why doesn't anyone care about Black women?

Every day that I'm alive, I am constantly reminded that I'm different from everyone else. The more I live, the more I realize that it doesn't matter how well off my family is, how qualified I am, or how many white friends I have... I'll never have a fair chance.

As a Black woman, I have been overlooked for jobs because of being overqualified. I've seen jobs that I applied for be given to people with no experience. I've seen people get promoted faster than me, when I'm the one who taught them everything they know. I deal with this every single day. Then, I have to come home and raise Black children. Children who are afraid of being approached by a police officer, because they are afraid that they will be killed.

As a Black woman, I've seen my people get disrespected by law enforcement more times than I'd like to admit. I've watched multiple times as their lifeless bodies are left on display in the streets. I've spent many nights wondering why no one cares about the thousands of missing Black girls in this country, but can find the body and killer of a white woman [and present a bill in her name] within 48 hours. The only thought that comes to mind is why is no one bothering to protect us? Black women are constantly on the forefront of standing up for our people, but no one stands up for us.

I'm tired. It's sad that Malcolm X's words still ring true decades later.

The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.

- Malcolm X

Doh! I Forgot Something!

Friday night. I had just picked up my new camera body and needed to get some test shots for an upcoming shoot. I get to the location, and DOH! I forgot the SD cards in my other camera body! I rushed to the nearest store, picked up 2 overpriced SD cards, and raced back to the location.

After setting up for the second time, I'm ready to shoot... Why won't this thing turn on? I had it working earlier... Did I get a bad camera body? But then I remembered the truth! I had taken the battery out to charge it.

Feeling dejected and upset with myself, I turned to my volunteer and said,

I don't have the battery for the camera.

She prompted asked if I had my iPhone. She had heard that it takes really great photos in portrait mode. So, determined to get some shots from our test, I pulled out my phone and turned on Portrait Mode.

I took a few shots from my iPhone using only the lights that were available on site. Seeing these shots made me even more excited about what's to come! I am quite pleased that I was able to get a few usable shots.

Lesson of the day: Don't rush! Make a checklist and look at it! Check and double check my bag.

P.S. You can see the full gallery here!

Am I The Only One Without A Resolution???

Seriously! I can't be!

Life has been... A lot of things. I think this may be the first time I've entered a new year without a clear vision for my life.

I haven't been taking photographs. I haven't blogged. I haven't planned or updated my social media accounts. I've just been...existing, and I love it!

2018 was interesting. New house. New job. New certifications. Even closer to my Bachelor's degree! The kids are growing well, and doing well in school. I was more financially stable. I, honestly, have zero regrets.

2019 is starting with a new business venture. I'll be graduating in less than 6 months with my first degree (16 years in the making). I'll have a 9 year old and a 6 year old. And I'm thriving in my new job.

I feel so blessed to be alive. Finally growing into my own person, and not a shell of who I'm expected to be. It feels amazing to live for ME!

I wish you all the best in 2019. I may be around to blog, I may not be. I am kinda enjoying my life without being a constant oversharer.