Lost Files – June 2020

It’s Father’s Day. The kids went to dinner with their dad while I opted for free time. I cried while watching a low budget romance on Netflix. I don’t even remember the name of it. I took the most relaxing bath. Thought about how much I needed time alone during quarantine.

Then there was something in my eye. I tried flushing it with water, but it made it worse. The result? A bloodshot red eye that hurts like hell. Maybe I need a nap, I think to myself. But I’m unable to get comfortable because of my damn eye. Maybe crying will help. What thoughts would make me cry? I settle on what feels like failure.

I’ve never written a blog about this, but I was in love once. Like madly in love. That I’ve found my soulmate type of love. But I messed up. Or rather, I feel like I messed up. But… no one really knows what the path untraveled really had in store for them, right?

Anyway, I loved someone with every part of my being. I still do. But I was afraid of taking a chance. I was afraid of the unknown. So I decided to end it (childishly, might I add). I decided on the safe choice that resulted in a loveless marriage and two beautiful children.

I said on my wedding day that getting married didn’t feel right. You’ll get over it. It’s just jitters. Everyone gets them. But that feeling of dread? It never went away. I wanted to be happy so I pretended for over a decade. But I’m tired.

Thanks to therapy, I can see my faults and admit that I was wrong. That I was selfish. That I broke the heart of a man who I truly believe really loves me, even though my heart is somewhere else.

But the past cannot be undone. Maybe I needed to cry to be able to move on.

Wow, 2020! Really?!

If 2020 was a meme.

If 2020 was a meme, it would definitely be this one. This has been a helluva year, and we are only at the half-way mark. There is so much to unpack, so I figured I’d do a month-by-month breakdown.

January 2020

Y’all remember that time I started a 365 Blogging Challenge? Again…for the umpteenth time? I had soooooo many good intentions for this blog in 2020, but that fell FLAT after 4 damn days. Here’s what happened:

On January 4, I wrote this post about how excited and motivated I was about revamping T. Selena Photography. A few days later, I was called up to HR, where they informed me that I was being placed on probation for not reporting my hobby/side hustle. Apparently, they received an anonymous report that I was doing business, discussed it with Legal, and determined that I needed to report all income regarding this hobby to them. It ended up not being an issue, because I was making less than $500 a year from the hobby. But, the damage was done.

Every ounce of excitement that I felt about doing something positive for ME was stripped away in a matter of seconds.

Not to mention my white coworker with a full-blown photography business did not receive the same treatment, but who am I to throw her under the bus?

Anyway, the month ended with my son (and his entire class) being sick with an unknown illness. Both the kids celebrated their birthdays. Life was great with the exception of Kobe, GiGi, and their friends/family passing.

February 2020

Last December, I applied for the Graduate College at North Carolina A&T. At the beginning of February, I received my acceptance offer, which I immediately accepted. Starting in August, I will officially be a NCAT student, and I am beyond excited!

March – May 2020

ALL THE SHIT HITS THE FAN! COVID-19 forced me into homeschooling and remote work. Once upon a time, I had a dream of being a teacher, but I was promptly reminding of all the reasons I changed my mind. This shit is HARD! And I’m glad it’s summer break.

While I’m grateful to have my job, I’m still struggling to find balance most days. I’ve been struggling with actually leaving home, so I bought some patio furniture. Sitting outside is better than not going out at all, right? A huge shoutout to Animal Crossing for helping me keep my sanity. Y’all don’t even want to know how many hours I put into it.

Present Day

There is so much going on in the world, and none of it is new to my people…BLACK PEOPLE. I’m trying to navigate being Black in this country. Being a Black woman in this country. Being a Black mother to Black children in this country. And it’s hard. I just want to say that I love y’all, Black people. Continue to fight for justice. Continue to educate your children about truths of our past. No justice. No peace.

I will continue to fight to make this a better world for my children, just like the generations before us fought to end segregation. Just like the generations before them fought to end slavery.

-Me

Image Credit: American Son: Netflix

Am I The Only One Without A Resolution???

Seriously! I can’t be!

Life has been… A lot of things. I think this may be the first time I’ve entered a new year without a clear vision for my life.

I haven’t been taking photographs. I haven’t blogged. I haven’t planned or updated my social media accounts. I’ve just been…existing, and I love it!

2018 was interesting. New house. New job. New certifications. Even closer to my Bachelor’s degree! The kids are growing well, and doing well in school. I was more financially stable. I, honestly, have zero regrets.

2019 is starting with a new business venture. I’ll be graduating in less than 6 months with my first degree (16 years in the making). I’ll have a 9 year old and a 6 year old. And I’m thriving in my new job.

I feel so blessed to be alive. Finally growing into my own person, and not a shell of who I’m expected to be. It feels amazing to live for ME!

I wish you all the best in 2019. I may be around to blog, I may not be. I am kinda enjoying my life without being a constant oversharer.

A Semi-Annual Update

Okay, so not really “semi-annual”, but I’m here!

It’s kind of hard to believe that my last real post was in January… Life has been…going, since then. Here is a brief rundown of my year so far:

Work

I ended up getting a promotion at TD. As of August, I have moved on to a different company. I am absolutely in love with the culture there! I’m back to an entry level position, but it pays way more, and I can breathe!

School

I am 8 classes away from graduating! My coursework is so overwhelming, but thank goodness for friends who push me to be better.

Home

The kids are well! They are growing up so fast! I’m still in a place with J… I honestly don’t know where that is going to end up. But… We’re here.

We moved to a bigger apartment, which reminds me so much of our old home before we came to Columbia.

Life

Because of the move, we didn’t get to go to Jamaica this year. We took the kids to the Georgia Aquarium for their birthdays. We went to the World of Coca-Cola for my birthday. Ivy had her first beach experience at Folly Beach. We went back to Atlanta for the 2nd Annual BWWPC Conference.

Planning

I left the B6 life and spent some time in an Erin Condren Hourly. I’m ending my year in pocket rings, which is close to where I started in the planning world. I’m participating in Super Wild 30, which starts tomorrow! It will be focusing on decluttering, lettering, creative journaling, and budgeting.

That sums up my year so far. I’ve been flying under the radar, just trying to work on me.

New Year, New…Never Mind

Happy New Year!

I came in to this year with disappointment and excitement. I’m disappointed with my current state of employment, but excited that I only have a year left in school. I decided to buckle down and increase the number of courses that I’m taking. It’s going to be hard work, but I’m determined to have a degree sooner rather than later.

My job? I hate it. I hate that it keeps me away from my family. My old boss extended the offer to come back, but I don’t want to be a paper pusher. I want to do something…meaningful.

I was supposed to choose a word for 2018, and I came up with…nothing. LOL! Absolutely nothing. I currently feel defeated.

I did opt for goals to accomplish instead of resolutions. Let’s be honest…how many of us can really stick to a resolution? I felt like creating goals was a much better alternative. I plan to create a vision board for my office space.

I’m trying to make 2018 the year of change. I just have to find the motivation to make those changes, because they won’t make themselves.

What about you? Did you set any goals for 2018?

Life Is Rough

December 10. The rain has cleared and blue skies are back. I am one day away from Finals Week. One week away from being done with this semester from hell. I haven’t had a life outside of Humanities and Precalculus. As of yesterday, I’ve completed 65+ hours of Precalculus work and spent countless hours working on content for my Humanities course. I abandoned social media, posting less than 10 pictures a month. I hadn’t touched my planner in 4 weeks prior to yesterday. My life has consisted of going to work, homework for myself and the kids, and sleep.

I decided to switch my minor back to Programming. Over the summer, I switched it to Web Development, because I felt like programming was too hard. What I forgot is that I LOVE programming, and that I already know how to develop websites. I decided to stop being a punk and do what I need, instead of what’s going to be easy to get.

Work sucks. In two weeks, I’ll be working the late shift and won’t see my kids for a week. While working in IT is my dream… Working for a help desk isn’t. I’m the only woman in my department. I earned an exceptional rating for my yearly review, but I still feel like the world is against me. Everyone seems to have placed themselves in a competition with me. My supervisor says this is a good thing because I make the team better. Sometimes I have to take errors that are mistakes on someone else’s part because,

Even though you had a few points taken off, and we know that this isn’t correct, we have to keep it. Your scores are the highest on the team. If we were to dispute this, it would hurt the team.

Yeah, still don’t see how that’s my fault, but it is. I’m frustrated. I want to move on, but I keep feeling like now isn’t the right time. I keep feeling like I should finish my degree before I try something different. I keep waiting and waiting… For what?

Overall, I’m tired of being an adult right now.

Slacker

I’m a slacker, lol! But I really do have good intentions when it comes to blogging. Life has been coming at me in every direction these days.

My job has implemented rotating schedules. The range of shifts that I work makes it hard when it comes to my family and school. I’ve been making it work, but I’m trying to explore other options as well.

Since the last time I blogged, I’ve sold both of those B6 traveler’s notebooks. I’ve settled nicely into another brand of traveler’s notebooks by Salty Katie Co. I’ve also set up a new space in this tiny apartment that will be dedicated to photographing products. It’s big enough to fit some of my studio equipment and a nice wood table that we inherited. The table is also sturdy enough to double as a bench, so win!

We’ve taken trips to Orlando, Florida and Washington, DC. It’s been great for the kids to get out of the city and see more of the world. In Orlando, we went to a small water park and explored some of the city. In DC, I was attending the Black Women Who Plan And Create National Conference. We had Stephanie Fleming from Me and My Big Ideas and Carie Harling from Dispatches From The Frat House as keynote speakers. J and the kids went to Baltimore, MD before visiting the Smithsonian Zoo. The next day, we visited the National Museum of African American History before walking to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. I can’t wait to go back and explore more of the city. There was so much that we couldn’t do in the day that we had.

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I think we are done traveling for 2017, but next year we are making plans to visit Jamaica and Vegas!

Yet Another New Beginning

Once upon a time, I lived for blogging. Sometimes I wrote multiple posts a day, detailing every single aspect of my life. That was a time when oversharing was the norm. Back when everyone was creating a blog as a new come-up.

I’ve never been big on monetizing my blog, even though I tried once or twice. I find myself marching to the beat of my own drum… Easily turned off by anything that starts to feel more like a job than a hobby. That’s where I was with blogging.

Thirteen years later and here I am again. Feeling an urge to own my space on the web again. Feeling an urge to get back to what makes me happy. This year has been amazing for me. I have a new job. School is going well. I’ve started to find out who I really am, and started to do things that interest me.

I lost myself in being a mother and wife. I let those things become a crutch… An excuse as to why my life was boring. I found myself becoming this unrecognizable person, losing the light in my eyes.

So I’m back again. Hopefully for a while, but I can’t make any guarantees. At the end of the day, this is a part of my journey. I’m trying to birth a vision that I’ve had for some time. It’s time to continue finding myself, and I hope that you’ll stick around for the ride.