Lost Files – June 2020

It’s Father’s Day. The kids went to dinner with their dad while I opted for free time. I cried while watching a low budget romance on Netflix. I don’t even remember the name of it. I took the most relaxing bath. Thought about how much I needed time alone during quarantine.

Then there was something in my eye. I tried flushing it with water, but it made it worse. The result? A bloodshot red eye that hurts like hell. Maybe I need a nap, I think to myself. But I’m unable to get comfortable because of my damn eye. Maybe crying will help. What thoughts would make me cry? I settle on what feels like failure.

I’ve never written a blog about this, but I was in love once. Like madly in love. That I’ve found my soulmate type of love. But I messed up. Or rather, I feel like I messed up. But… no one really knows what the path untraveled really had in store for them, right?

Anyway, I loved someone with every part of my being. I still do. But I was afraid of taking a chance. I was afraid of the unknown. So I decided to end it (childishly, might I add). I decided on the safe choice that resulted in a loveless marriage and two beautiful children.

I said on my wedding day that getting married didn’t feel right. You’ll get over it. It’s just jitters. Everyone gets them. But that feeling of dread? It never went away. I wanted to be happy so I pretended for over a decade. But I’m tired.

Thanks to therapy, I can see my faults and admit that I was wrong. That I was selfish. That I broke the heart of a man who I truly believe really loves me, even though my heart is somewhere else.

But the past cannot be undone. Maybe I needed to cry to be able to move on.

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2 comments

  1. I’m so proud of you. Therapy is a step in the right direction. Once you’ve found the right one. You know what that mean.

  2. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I honestly know exactly what that is like and unfortunately sometimes we end up being in relationships before we truly understand that we have only actually settled because we want to feel safe… and the safe choice isn’t really what we wanted. But on the flip side I have learned that what we want isn’t always what we need at the time… so sometimes timing is off. Sometimes you need to go through certain relationships to truly understand yourself, your wants, desires and needs. I wish we could just get it all right the first time.

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